i wouldn't give a fuck but the love here is such a long walk

preface: this post is not at all educational or entertaining. if you visit bluestockingism for such things (and i really hope you do), please come back soon.

it's thanksgiving and although i am not sitting alone in a cold, dark room all day, i am struggling to remember to be thankful. aww, winnie the cat just made himself more comfortable and stretched a paw over my thigh. this is one reason i think there could be a god--moments of self-pity inevitably interrupted by the smallest of graces.

i'm sad today. i don't have any sense of family much anymore, and it makes me feel very lonely. someday i'll sit down and write my "i'm not all shits and giggles" post about some of the issues in my family, but not today. today it suffices to say holidays where everyone goes off to be with their families make me feel a little empty inside, and i begin to miss not only this family that isn't working out but everyone through the years that felt like family. i'm tired by things that end or fail.

i'm tired of things that fail to meet expectations. i have to say i am thankful that in a few minutes i'll be going out to dinner with my friend Allstar (the one with the bird in her apartment, for you regular readers). i love Allstar. both of us have had lives where people from a very young age have not met even the most basic of expectations, and we learned to take care of ourselves and of others. yet, people can still let us down. sometimes i think it would be wise to switch to being one of those people without expectations and who can't ever be let down, but i haven't figured out how to achieve that without giving up something i feel quite integral to my sense of self -- caring. in the meantime, i try to live up to and exceed the expectations of anyone that bothers to form some real ideas of how i can contribute to their life. Allstar has some good ideas of how i fit in, and i of her. so i have a best friend again, and i appreciate the opportunity to try hard.

so here's to my cat and to Allstar (and to evan for writing, and to everyone of the regular crew who i know had a passing thought of me today, and to the person i'll brave the cold for, and to the stranger who called to make sure i wasn't sitting alone in a cold, dark room): happy thanksgiving.