our bodies, ourselves

in the spirit of scary disclosure a few questions, gentle reader:

1. am i full of shit?

i've swallowed my gum for 25 years ( i can't remember when i first was given chewing gum but i imagine it was around age 3). sometimes i think about how much gum could be lurking along my innermost tracks. i do often feel i'm a twisted and convoluted person, couldn't that gum get lost? could i be backed up? do i need a colonic right this minute?!

much time was spent this week in contemplation of the best course of action. which means i basically sat on my ass while an equally concerned friend researched colonics and asked our doctor and it turns out they can cause infection and tears. not tears like pretty drops from the eyes but holes, holes in your poop-chute people. i am not getting a colonic, and i can keep swallowing my gum.

but should i really sit idly by on my ass, never paying my behind mind again? or is that why i possibly have...hemorrhoids!!! maybe the gum in my colon was a pipe dream but most of you know that i have seepage. yes clear stuff sometimes comes out of my sweet little backdoor to heaven when i eat too many french fries. for the love of god i cannot find any explanation online for this beyond roids and gonorrhea. and why the f*ck are these words so hard to spell? and why do they all have -rrh- in them:

The extra -r- is also found in those words that come from the same source as catarrh, diarrhea, and logorrhea. This source is ultimately the Greek word rhêin 'to flow'; the various prefixes used tell us what is flowing, and how. Catarrh, which is as you say an inflammation of the mucus membranes, is from elements meaning 'to flow down'; diarrhea is 'to flow through', for obvious reasons. Logorrhea, or excessive talkativeness, is a jocular formation from 'flowing words'.

Most of the words from this source are indeed medical terms. Some you might encounter are amenorrhea 'absence of menstrual flow' (a condition often found in female athletes) and dysmenorrhea 'abnormal or painful menstrual flow'; gonorrhea; hemorrhage; and hemorrhoid ('flowing with blood').

i firmly believe it will be found that i only suffer from logorrhea. i've left a message with a nurse and i will once and for all get to the bottom of my anal mucous. stay tuned for what we hope will be the far from lugubrious news next told you so friday.

2. do you like my body?

i love my body, seepage and all. but do you know who doesn't love my body? well, besides the supreme court and target? the chicago chapter of NOW, that's who. if you don't know what NOW is, go look it up now. chicago NOW, we are breaking up. i have given you so many chances and you just keep showing me again and again how little you want to make this relationship work. i need you to learn how to COMMUNICATE. seriously, i am so sick of there never being ANY events posted on their website and i am sick of them not planning anything in conjunction with national advocacy events. and now we're going to celebrate Love Your Body day with an open mic ONE WEEK after the rest of the country, and you still can't manage to post that news on your website. i won't go off on the fact that you're holding the open mic at filter except to say, huh? i'm so disappointed in you right now, c-now. let's all come together now, now and um change NOW:

Chicago NOW Seeks New Board Members for 2006
The Chicago chapter of the National Organization for Women is looking for new board members. This is your chance to have an impact on the lives of women and girls in your community.

• Education is the foundation to all empowerment
• Raise public awareness of women’s issues
• Start a dialogue that promotes equality
• Enjoy collaboration with your feminist sisters.
  
• Be a part of it: Don't sit around waiting for good things to happen. Progress for women is more likely with your input and effort. If you are interested in becoming a Chicago NOW General Board Member or if you have any questions, please send an e-mail with your resume and cover letter to cnowweb@yahoo.com.

3. am i in touch with my inner lesbian, or is this my inner gay male?

yesterday, my friend the selfish hedonist said he was my beard. i had no idea what he was talking about. to spare you experiencing the same shocking sensation of ignorance mingled with shame, i suggest you go read this entry on beard and stroke [look for that pesky -rrh- again]it. stroke your beard, if you have one. trying to figure out how the selfish hedonist could be acting as my beard frankly makes my head hurt. so let me just tell you about his beard, and how he's growing it until the sox win the series or there's an indictment in the plame game. there, i told you and now here's a picture: